Tuesday, August 18, 2009

No, really, it pours

Originally uploaded by Navivision
One wonders sometimes why the squeaky wheel really does get the grease. One wonders if one means so little that someone saying "I won't come if SHE does!" is rewarded with invitations and care, and oneself is excluded.

One does not understand this, perhaps largely because though one has indeed thought things like this before (can anyone say they have not?), one has never voiced them. One has felt it entirely inappropriate to ever ask such a thing of one's friends.

One also has no similar problems with the person making these requests. One really could care less if said person is around. Said person is no more nor less than an acquaintance.

One feels a little sick of being thought of as the strong person who will not be hurt by this sort of thing, too. I mean, she is going to be fine, no reason not to be, but it still stings.


Saturday, July 25, 2009

History repeats itself

Originally uploaded by `Vorfas
And leaves me once again feeling like I am second best, and not even a good enough person to be asked for help or love when it's needed.

I wish I knew what it was about me that makes people run for any other port in a storm when they need comfort, no matter how much they may call me friend, lover, and support when they use words rather than actions.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Today was a weird day with strange conversations and everything about it was just rather surreal and hard to sum up quickly or come up with a witty title for.

Originally uploaded by newpn2000
Much of this week has been like that, actually.

I'm spinning in mental circles and trying to figure out where, when, and if I should stop.

I feel unique, attractive, special, and at the same time, like I'm old, boring, and just one of many, to be used and replaced at whim.

I have had a great weekend and a horrible one.

The contradictions don't even make sense to me. If I can't even figure out why my own brain is thinking like this, how on earth am I supposed to explain it to anyone else? Seriously, brain, get a grip.

I'd rather be a reality than a fantasy, too, and I don't know if the reality of me measures up to the fantasy that may be being created.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

No one person in particular

Sometimes I need help and I can't find anyone to ask for it. It's not fun.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

And again, a year goes by

Originally uploaded by Derian le Breton
Or soon, at least.

I hope this gets easier.

I know there's not likely to be a year harder than this one, where reality has a chance to hit home so painfully.

A year ago, you were alive.

This sucks.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Heavy lifting

Portland 103
Originally uploaded by HumanFromEarth
May has been a tough month, and it's only halfway over.

There's been a lot of discussions, problems, resolutions, repairs, and temporary patches. There's been lots of work, lots of social life, and lots of missed chances due to the two colliding.

There's also been plenty of gym time, which always helps balance out the rest, thank goodness. And coffee. There has been an unhealthy amount of coffee. Hello again, caffeine addiction, my old nemesis, how are you today?

I've been dwelling on the past too much, but it's hard not to now and again. Working on that. Getting better about it.

Ah well, need to leave for work in half and hour, I should go get ready. Bye for now, internet.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I wish that Stacey's mom had Jessie's girl

I have amazing friends.

I have muscles that are used to being tough, and come back quickly as long as I'm willing to work reasonably hard to get them.

I have jobs I enjoy and a great, if messy apartment. It could be a great clean apartment, but I'm not as good at working reasonably hard at that.

I am in a gloriously good mood today. Everyone else should be too! You don't need a reason to have a great day any more than you need a reason to have a bad one, right?